old me writes about me.

I created this website in 2020 when I was 28, below is the ‘about me’ I wrote for it at the time. The other day I read it after years of not. Ohhhhh I love when that happens- when the passage of time grants us a pass to be more like reader, less like writer. Mmmm so delightfully insightful.

When I finished, I was still for a moment.
Then I think I said… “yikes”.

A lot has changed and I see things differently now. While I know what I wrote is real and raw and came from a brave place- the concept feels bound to limited form in a way that restricts truth; too neatly packaged, sanitised even, for my nowadays liking. On reflection, this is reflective of how I’ve habitually attempted to present myself in general.

There is a neat little bow I am sneakily seeking to bind around myself / my life to this day. I perpetually decide it best to set this noose alight and see about basking in the burning instead. Sometimes it works.

I wanted to keep this ‘about me’ here in some way. To honour my expressions; her, and myself as a whole. I respect smaller-me with all of my might and I respect the journey entirely. I am reminded that my listening and capacity for truth has deepened (albeit challenging), that the path is clearing into wider ways and that I love it.

It is of interest to me to record and reflect upon the iterations of the story I choose tell about who and how I am. I guess, in order to further learn about myself in a meaningful way, and to more consciously shape the inevitable changes in form I will take.

Sharing what I did was big for me at the time, I never never never spoke or wrote publicly of these things back then. (I remember updating it when I faced another devastating loss the year or so after but I can’t find that copy unfortunately….)
A lot of people I knew had no idea about much of this until they read it here. I can say it changed the way I was able to look back when I was looked at.

God bless the truth and the acceptance of it.
God bless the rewrite and the fortitude to do so.

——————

Hey, I’m Ella.

In truth, we’re all balancing light and dark.

At 28, I recognise that healing is not linear. That the darker seasons of the past seem to reverberate cyclically into the present, whenever they so wish.
Yet at 28, I know that ultimately, it’s harder to pretend those darker seasons don’t exist. And often, if we really look, the darkness can be naturally balanced with light.

At 26, absent of direction in every aspect of my life, it wouldn’t be long before a break up would leave me broken and living alone.
Yet at 26, I gained financial freedom and indirectly fulfilled a goal I had forged out of necessity 10 years earlier.

At 24, my beautiful mum departed this life holding my hand. I do not have words to express how much this broke my heart. I don’t think I ever will.
Yet at 24, I found yoga. I felt close to her in those first few classes, as though I was meant to be there. She’d tried and failed to get me into yoga when I was little… she did, in fact, know best.

At 22, I was completely burnt out and working a 60-hour week. I would later be told I had CFS, then deny the diagnosis and ignore all advice.
Yet at 22, I achieved the goal I had set 6 years prior. I bought my first property, and in turn provided myself with an essential sense of safety and security.

At 16, I was raped in a violent knife attack while walking home alone. I’d be attacked again three months later. I often silently struggle with what happened.
Yet at 16, the prospect of death offered perspective like nothing else really could. And while I saw unspeakable evil in the world, I also saw it overwhelmingly outweighed by love.

I still have bad days.
Yet most days, I choose to metabolise pain into positive action. And most days, I consciously choose to see good, to seek joy and to find peace.

“Our capacity to destroy one another
is matched by our capacity to heal one another”
- Bessel A. Van Der Kolk

I created ella’s way because of all of the above.
And because there have been days where my yoga mat was genuinely the only place I felt I could breathe.

I do not make light of darkness, yet I invite you to lovingly acknowledge your darker seasons. I promise they can be balanced with light.

You can find peace.
And this is my way there.

With love,
Ella